SEYMOUR'S PEANUT BUTTER TIME

Something I've been noticing: People are all attached. At the hospital, everyone is either married with kids or just plain married. And okay, that's relatively normal considering they're at that career age (read: old) and whatnot. (BTW it's kinda awkward to listen to some of them talk about giving birth since even that one new intern has had one of those things...but she looked old too)
But I also know some people my age married with kids. Or just with kids haha. And then there are some people that have been in a long ass relationship that probably will lead to something more, commitment wise.


AM I GETTING HELLA FKN OLD AND BEHIND ON LIFE MILESTONES??? Probs not, I'm not as mature (OR EVEN OLD IN AGEEEE) and willing to give up Deanna time for anything other than maybe a hamster, maybe.

PS. Hi Unni, can't wait til you get married lol.

I need to stop comparing myself to other people. I do it and it makes me feel inadequate. But I mean, not all of us have the same advantages and goals. Gotta work with what you have and not worry about anybody else. But I need to step it up I guess. Or go home. Go home seems like such a tempting and perhaps obvious choice...

I had another bad habit of the moment but I forgot it.

I'm starting to think that I should have joined that honor society that kept sending me invites my first and second year. Because then I would have something extra to put on my resume to show that hey, I used to be a pretty good student. But I didn't. So I can't. I wish I got more involved in things. But there was nothing I particularly cared about. I'm not one to join something or befriend a person just to get something out of it. I need to be genuinely interested and not do something just for the sake of saying I did something. (Although, I hold jobs that I'm not particularly thrilled about...) This isn't a good strategy for success since it's who you know that will get you places. And I don't know too many people.

Where does that leave me? I don't particularly regret the way I did things, I just know that I haven't been very strategic about things and didn't seek out as many opportunities as I (my resume/future employer/everybody else) would have liked. I need to remedy this somehow...

Meaning sandwich of the week. I've decided that I will make my own lunches when I have to be on campus. This has a little bit to do with saving money and a lot to do with the fact that the food on campus is lacking. Not in variety, but in...taste? quality? Idk, I'd rather not spend money on crap. And I don't really have the time nor companions to venture out further for food...

I finally got to go grocery shopping today and I must admit I didn't really look at the prices. But I was so excited about the prospect of having the sandwich I've been thinking about. I made one for the roommate tonight simply because I wasn't hungry and was excited to taste it.

So the sandwich of the week consists of:

-salami
-sun dried tomato mayonnaise (okay I just mixed mayo with julienned pieces of sun dried tomatoes)
-pale ale honey mustard
-fresh mozzarella
-some thinly sliced deli turkey and
-basil
...all on a french baguette

TELL ME that isn't the coolest sandwich to take out of your bag. I wanted to get butcher paper too so that I could wrap my sandwiches but I couldn't really find any...might have to swipe some from work this weekend.


Anyway, omitted the basil since the roommate doesn't seem to like basil. Weird because she likes pesto, but oh well. Anyways, can't wait to eat one myself, too bad my school week is kind of over. But I'll make it work. I also set up my new toaster oven in preparation for my sandwiches of the week hehehe. Might also add thinly sliced red onions but we'll see. My next sandwich of the week I think will try to duplicate the wonderful taste of one of my favourite bagel sandwiches: cream cheese, lox, capers and thinly sliced red onions. Of course I would like to find an alternative protein to replace the hearty salted salmon...

I used to think that the only person I could really count on was myself. And probably my dad because he has my back on everything I do. But now I've come to realised that my entire family has really been there for me, especially as of late. And by family, I just mean my dad, mom and yes, even my brother. He's really come through for me lately and I really appreciate it. I mean, I'm sure he takes into account that I drive him anywhere he wants when I can. Or maybe my dad calls him and says that he should help me out. But isn't that what family is about? Helping each other out? I was never sure what this was all about really...

When I was younger, I was such a brat, it was as if I were the youngest in the family and not my brother. But we are so close in age that I suppose it doesn't matter. My dad has been telling me that when I was younger, I usually got my way. I was spoiled in that way I guess. I'm a little embarrassed at my past self but that's how you learn right? I'd like to think that I matured into someone better, that learned from my lessons and will continue to grow. But I don't think I can do it without the help and support of my family. I want to go home and spend more time with my parents. And I kind of wish that my brother and I got along better, like friends. But it's nice to know that I can count on him too. And for a little bit while looking at graduate schools, I was wondering if I should even stay in California. I was wondering if what I was looking for can even be found if I stay here. But now, aside from out of state tuition fees and the desire to stay here closer to my family, I think I can be sure that this is where I want to do grad school. Beyond that? Who knows that yet. But for now, I think whatever it is that I'm looking for can wait because I want to spend more time with my family and maybe experience the world with them.

I'm getting kinda teary eyed writing this because I'm kind of thinking about all the time I kinda wasted being a brat and not appreciating what I have. But that's an advantage of growing up I suppose...

I bet you can tell I'm feeling pretty emotional...I had a shaky morning today.

Today is the first day of classes. First day of my last year. Except I don't have class. So I have nothing to do, especially since I also do not work today...
Is this a foreshadowing of what my life will be like when I graduate? If so, I'm not sure I want to graduate...

Ugh, can't wait until tomorrow!

Now that I've moved away from town, I feel as if I'm starting over all over again. I don't really know too many people in the area with the exception of my roommate. Except I haven't really seen or even talked to her lately so I don't know what's going on with that, if anything. But I've been busy with work and that's kinda fun; meeting new people and all. But then we're off work and everyone goes their separate ways and hang out with their friends. Except for me. I just drive back home because no one is really around to hang out with and I can't seem to get a hold of anyone to hang out with. I need to go out and walk around the area and learn more about my new neighbourhood and perhaps meet new people. I finally have a day off tomorrow and I think after sleeping in a lazing about, I will go out and see what is around me. And I won't drive either. It will be exercise and exploration. On my own of course. It'll be fun. Then I will come home and study and think about the future a little before going to bed early so that I can wake up and go to work.

But the world is full of creepers so I will be wary.

I've officially filed to graduate. And let me tell you, I'm glad they give you the option to cancel hahaha. I'm so insecure and unsure that it's ridiculous.

But one thing I'm sure of is:

I've learned a lot of lessons, met some people(ugly and not) and spent a great deal of money. Could've done that in Vegas as well, minus the tranny hooker part.

In conclusion? I might miss college. But can go to Vegas anytime. AND finally befriend that tranny hooker.


PS. I can also learn lessons in love on youtube. Case in point, my newest fav:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7WFgOMXdu8&NR=1

I am super determined to become a morning person!! I'm not a fan of the saying "the early bird gets the worm" since I neither like birds nor worms. BUT! I want to do so much that it only makes sense to wake up earlier. I want to work out and go to work. Go to class and read for class. And make my own dinner! OR!!! Even packing my own cool lunches!! But who am I kidding? I've been going to sleep at like 3 in the morning and waking up at like 12pm. And still getting nothing accomplished.
Nevertheless, I will continue to work on this. I want to be like my dad. He gets up every morning at like whatever time it is...I wouldn't know because I'm sure I would have just gotten to sleep. He'll go jogging around the block for a little bit before heading out for a cup of coffee. Then come home and get ready for work. And is already at work by the time I wake up.

Can I do it? We'll see. I have quite a bit on my plate soon and need to prioritise. And probably quit one of my jobs. If I had Asian friends, I imagine they would saying something like "jia you" or "aja fighting". But luckily, I'm sure I can cheer myself on. And become a bird that wakes up at the earliest time decent to grab the fattest juiciest worm I can grab and sell it to the highest bidder so that I can buy myself some proper food.

I bought a cute shirt. It's Asian, as in straight from Asia. I'm hella dumb because OF COURSE it wouldn't fit me. But it was just so cute and they said one size, as in one size fits all??? Not my bubbies...WHYYYYY!!?
It reminds me of when my mother took me shopping in like China or something. And I wanted to buy loads of cheapsie brars. I picked a size that seemed close to mine and lo and behold it didn't fit. "Try the bigger size" my mother said. And try I did. And got made fun of by the sales clerk because it didn't fit. Ever since then I didn't bother with trying to buy clothes from an Asian type shop or something like that. I just don't have the same body type...I'm not saying I have some triple Ds because that would be ridiculous on my small body. But I'm not an A/flat chested either...I'm like a chubby little kid. Not destined to wear cute Asian styles.
Bought the shirt off ebay. Idk what I'm going to do with it because I don't feel like returning it. Maybe I'll try some extreme weight loss regime since I heard that people can go down a cup size or something. Haha, all for a shirt? Maybe...

I've started moving. And I'm afraid I've made a mistake. Do I really plan on graduating early? That was really the only reason I considered moving to Sac. I'm worried to find out that there's something I've forgotten to do, a requirement that I forgot to fulfill. It makes me nervous to deviate from the "normal" plan; graduate in 4 years. I'm scared to see what's out there and to find out that there isn't a place for me. I want to get to where I want to be in the best possible way, and now I don't know if I'm doing the right thing for me...

Today, whilst on my way to the theaters to watch Ponyo, I ran into an indoor farmers market!! It's been a while since I've been home and this was so new to me that I had to check it out. Only to discover...there was an empanada stand!!!!! AHHHHH, to be reminded of Chile/Argentina. So of course I had to get one, and instead of the one that seemed pretty cool, I HAD to get the carne one because that was the one that I mostly ate at the little corner shop by my hotel. Delicious.

On my way home, I walked by where my friend and I spent most of our time and money at. And stopped by the sushi restaurant that we always ate at. So for old times sake I grabbed a roll. Not as well made as I remembered it to be, but delicious nonetheless.

OH YEA! And then I find out there's a restaurant here that serves pisco sours!!! Omgoshhhhhh the world is mocking me. Go back to Chile it says...and high school too???
Nevermind, not happening :P

So we were drinking and shopping and walking all day long. Weaving in and out of casinos, playing some slots waiting for the waitress to bring on more drinks. It's like 2am or something even further beyond and we remember a sign that said like 4.99 steak and eggs. That sounded so delicious and cheap compared to everything else we were eating. So we each ordered that special. To drink? I had deviated from my normal water to an orange juice because I like orange juice with my eggs. The bill comes and I notice...my orange juice cost more that my big plate of steak, eggs and toast!!!

I don't keep track of how much I weigh. I really should. But every time I ask my dad to buy me a scale, he says that I don't need it and not to get obsessed with weighing myself. That said, I know for a fact that I've gained weight. I probably look the same but some of my pants are feeling a little tighter on me. Or maybe because my work uniform is rather large on me, I'm used to a much looser fit. I don't know. I think I should start keeping track of my weight and running. I've been going to the gym off and on, but I've also been drinking and eating out. And of course my job often requires me to sit on my ass for 8 hours.

Dear Body,

Please metabolise faster and gain weight slower! I can't afford to replace my wardrobe and to look/feel like shit! I'm working because I need the money, not so that I can replace my entire closet!!!

Sincerely,
Deanna.

I've also realised that I'm nearing the cycle of my monthly shedding of the uterine lining...that could be a possible factor...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090812/ap_on_re_eu/eu_france_burquini_banned

This article brings back a childhood memory of when I first started learning how to swim. We had a couple Muslim girls in the class and they were allowed to keep their clothes on as per their religious beliefs. Unfortunately, for some reason this included shoes and this one girl kicked me with her freakin' black boots when she was trying to swim. Ouch. I hated her for a little bit just because now I'm afraid of getting kicked/hit etc while in the pool. I agree with the article with it being a hygienic issue versus religious discrimination...It definitely wasn't hygienic for that girl to have shoes in the pool.

Ps. I'm watching the finale of Top Chef Masters and I'm glad the Asian woman, Anita Lo (sp?) is still in the game. When I was watching the Next Food Network Star, I honestly was rooting for Debbie, not because she was Asian, but because her cooking actually sounded pretty delicious. I also noticed that on Food Network, there was no Asian star at all with their own segment, but rather people bringing Asian flavours into their cooking...LAMES

I love days when you don't have to set an alarm in order to wake up to go to work. I usually have about 3-5 alarms for the early work days. And today would have been the same. Except I called in sick the night before. It was awesome. I woke up on my own. Wasn't in a rush, wasn't worried about making it to work on time. And lucky me, it was a cool supervisor during my shift today. So my friend called in sick for me last night, lol. She said, and I quote, "I think Deanna has to call in sick for tomorrow because she is passed out in the backseat of my car". I wasn't passed out, I was dozing. But I definitely woke up when she said that. My supervisor was super understanding and for the first time this summer, I honestly thought fuck it, it's summer and I shouldn't worry about working so much even though I need the money. As long as I'm not being overly frivolous, it's all bueno :)

In my opinion, the Asian media is extremely skilled in pulling at the emotions of it's viewers. Actually, I'm sure it's some sort of fact. It's crazy how emotional I can get just from watching just some movie. Good thing I'm here by myself at work so no one can see me getting all teary eyed.

I've noticed that I've been burning bridges left and right. Do I do it on purpose, subconsciously? I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm fed up with people being rude and selfish around me and so I decided to use the communication thing and let them know that it was how I felt. Obviously not the best of ideas since people can't really handle confrontation like that. I'm not sure I can either, but I wanted to start speaking out and stop letting crap go. Because when you start letting stuff go, it builds up and eats away at you inside. And I'm not a big fan of being angry anymore. So I decided to tell people it wasn't okay.

I told one of my closest friends about how she's been treating me lately, because let's face it, She'd been too wrapped up in her life to even care about mine and only contacted me when she wanted something. And that was not okay. So I told her. She ignored my message and when I confronted her about it she told me that she thought we needed time to cool off because she thought the situation had gone out of hand. Out of hand? Did I cuss you out? Did I get physical with you? No, I simply told you that lately I felt that she had been inconsiderate of my feelings and that it seemed like she was using me even though I'm sure it wasn't the case. And generally, you would need to let someone else know that you think they needed time to cool off and think about things instead of straight up ignoring them. She called me at 8 in the morning the next day and if I wasn't at work I would have been fucking pissed at her seeing as I work late hours sometimes and being woken up at 8 would have resulted in me cussing her out. She told me she cried. I'm not sure I believe her because there's nothing to cry about. But what the fuck do I know right?

I was busy at work and told her to call back later. She never did. I then sent her a facebook message saying that it wasn't a big deal and that I was sorry that she cried. I just wanted to let her know how I felt and didn't really have any other way to contact her since I was considerate and didn't want to call her in the wee hours of the morning or late at night. Not to mention that she rarely returned my phone calls anyways.

I thought that since we were good friends that it would have been okay for me to tell her how I felt. She thought I was blindsiding her. She told me she didn't know this was how I felt. And I was confused...How would she have known unless I told her? This was me telling her... And why is that when I tell her about it, she thinks I'm overreacting? I have valid reasons for thinking/feel this way, especially with her actions if not her words alone.

Am I wrong for trying to assert myself? For trying to make sure people aren't taking advantage of me or for granted? And letting them know when I feel that way. I even swallowed my pride and followed up with her when she didn't even bother to respond. Or maybe I'm just too forgiving of a person because when someone tells me how they feel, I take it into consideration and reflect upon my actions to become more aware.

Maybe this is me being self destructive, or maybe I shouldn't even consider keeping these people in my life if they're not going to make an effort after they realised that the friendship might be in jeopardy. Why should I be the only one making the effort? But I feel like I do this kind of thing too often. Or maybe I've just let go a lot of people that weren't really my kind of people which makes me wonder, where do I meet the people that will become my life long friend?

Maybe I'm totally off base here but I happen to think that it's completely rude for someone to be on the phone having a full on conversation when they're in the company of other people. It's awkward for the other person and it makes them feel like they're definitely not the priority in the situation, which is a horrible thing because if you're not interested in spending time with the person, then don't! I've definitely let this go without saying something to people, with an occasional snap but I super do not appreciate it at all.
I always try not to talk on the phone when I'm with other people, why can't people do the same for me? An example situation, I'm in the car driving with my friend. She immediately gets on the phone to talk to her boyfriend while I'm driving her, leaving me to drive in silence. Am I your chauffeur? Are we only hanging out so that someone can drive you? I can understand that you don't get to see/talk to your significant other/friend as much as you'd like, but if that's the case, why don't you just talk to them on your own time?
It is incredibly rude and if you're going to be spending time with someone, you should give them your attention. I'm not saying that you're only confined to interacting with that person/people the entire time, but lets be honest, having a full on conversation for more than 5 minutes is almost the equivalent of saying they're not worth your time and you're just not that interested in the present company that you are with.
Texting constantly is rude too. I know that sometimes I respond to texts when I'm with other people. But again, I'm not having a full on conversation and I make sure to let the other person know that they still have my attention. Or at least I try.

I went to a party. I was bored so I left. As I was leaving people asked why. I told them because I was bored. Oops. I should start lying more. I'M TIRED. I WORK IN THE MORNING. I DIDN'T WANT TO WALK HOME ALONE. All valid excuses. All true. So I guess not so much a lie but better reasons than I'm bored...Oops.