At work we were randomly talking about America and someone mentioned that they keep letting in rejects into the country. Then I said I wouldn't want a country full of rejects, and the police officer says, "too late". Not gonna over analyze it but on first glance I'm sure it could come off as racism.

I feel like I haven't gotten the hang of my life schedule lately. I've been working for a few weeks now, but I feel like things are not constant. I try to keep something normal, like regulating a sleep schedule or eating schedule. I haven't been able to do that, however, especially since I'm getting sick. I've been pretty good about portion control because I'm prone to stress eating but since this heatwave and sickness, I've been inconsistent with my eating. I find myself either not eating at all or eating entirely too much. I haven't been drinking a lot of water because it's not as easy to refill my water bottle as it was before. I've been stress snacking and craving everything bad for me because I equate food with happiness etc. Before I could barely afford to eat what I like and now that I have a bit of money, I find myself overdoing it. Balance it keeeeeey

que la cosas que me molestan son cosas que puedo prevenir. debo tomar la responsibilidad para mis propias acciones y yo se que cuando estoy enojada, en realidad estoy enojada de mi. y me harto de sentirme asi.

estoy aprendiendo y cambiando. las cambias me haran feliz

that it's a good idea to zoom out for that panoramic view every now and again. The sacrifices may seem like a a lot right now. But it's nothing compared to what I'm working towards. Whatever it is.

I think I'm the kind of person that spends a lot my time in my own head. I find myself lost in thought or just lost in general. And now that I have to focus on doing what needs to be done and forgetting the people that just don't have time for me, I think I will be posting on here a lot more. Getting out all my thoughts will clear out room for other, more worth while contemplations and probably help me get rid of my frustrations with people.

One that comes to mind right now. My friend asked me if I was interested in going to an amusement park some weekend later. And I responded maybe, I don't know if I would be working or not. And to be honest, the one she chose sucks balls, so I'd definitely rather work. Then she proceeds to say, oh never mind, my friend was going to be in town from NY and we were thinking about going there. Maybe I read too much into this, but considering her, no. Subtext: "Will you be able to chauffeur my friend and I in a few weekends?" I mean, kinda just consider the process of elimination. I said I didn't think I would be able to go, then the plans are off? Yea, she wanted me to drive. Which brings me to this peeve I have. I am able to drive so it's okay to assume that I want to chauffeur you around? Am I too sensitive when I say that I think it's extremely rude to only invite me somewhere expecting me to drive without asking? She's gotten rides from me before and normally I wouldn't object, but the way she goes about it is just irritating. Example: "you know, it's the same distance from here to my house as it is to your house?" Wtf of it? I HAVE to go home, I don't have to give you a ride, especially if you don't ask and we end up running side tasks for you since I'm already headed a certain way.

Gas is fucking expensive and I don't like driving. I don't mind driving, especially when it's only fair if the other person has been doing the driving when we hang out. What is the courtesy when the other person doesn't have a car but insists on only doing activities that have me driving around? Especially since I'm trying to minimise my carbon footprint by taking the bus since we have a rather long reaching transportation system. Oh, and people say they will give you gas money but don't. What is the etiquette with that?

Starting over is hard. Everyone knows this. But it's been hitting me hard lately. I used to have a bit of money saved in my bank account, for the occasional pick me up of shoes and or sushi. Now? I barely have enough to justify taking a class at city college. Paying off school loans ia a bitch and I'm not even close to making a dent.

I've finally gotten a job, yey, but it's not the kind of job I'm used to. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to try new things but I'm equally anxious and apprehensive because I'm new to food service and what not. I've always wanted to work in a coffee shop because it seems fun and interesting. So far, it's okay. I'm still in training mode so I don't really know what to expect in terms of hours and so I may need to start looking for another job. I didn't want another admin job this time around because 1) it sounded boring 2) I needed something part time only so I could pursue a bunch of other goals. Like sign language. Which is costing me more than anticipated.

In a previous post I mentioned that I had no time for fun or friends. But at least I had money. This time around, I have no money and no friends or fun. But plenty of time. I can't seem to get it right, haha. I kind of wish I didn't move. But it was the next logical step based on my situation.

So, starting over? Difficult and not for the weak. Gotta keep my chin up and remind myself that I'm not the only one.

Goals while I have time time:
-Get into shape, train body to run 5k
-continue to learn sign language
-become coffee expert? I guess, if I keep this job...
-STUDY STUDY STUDY for the stupid GRE
-Figure out next life goal. Grad school?
-relearn Spanish. Cos I forgot all that shit.
-become content with who I am


Chau for now!

I watched Inception last night. Maybe that's why this post is about dreams. Have you ever woken up from a dream, your heart filled with longing, and you know, you just know that in your dream you had your heart broken. And you try to go back to sleep, just to hold onto that feeling a little bit longer before you forget what happened. You wake up, the dream is gone, but not the feeling of loneliness and regret. And you wonder what your subconscious is trying to tell you, remind you. And so you stay in bed a little longer, thinking about it, trying to hold onto to something that no longer exists in this reality. That's what this post is doing. I'm hoping by typing it out, I would eventually stumble on what it was that made me want to cry when I woke up...


And even though it's not the best feeling in the world, I can't help but think, at least I'm feeling something.

well...assuming i live that long anyways.

But lately I've been such a Bitter Betsy. And it really isn't helping that I'm also a Tired Tina. I feel like I've been working exceptionally hard lately and somehow feel like it isn't fair even though there are hella people in the same situation or even wish they were in the same situation as I am. I am currently working full time as a temp as well as tutoring on the side and still taking a couple classes. So basically my days are full and my weekends are dedicated to finishing the class work that I neglected during the day due to my fatigue of a 12 hour day. I can't help but feel that it's not fair. I shouldn't have to push myself to work so hard at my age (in my opinion). But it's my fault. I'm the one that decided to graduate from college early and I'm the one that decided that I didn't want to live on my parents' money. Silly me. So I have my independence, but at what cost? My sanity? I don't go out anymore. I don't have time for friends, and to be frank, they don't have time for me, so why should I bother to make the time for them? I get precious sleeping time as it is and yet I still manage to try to make an effort to get in contact with people. They just don't fucking respond. Which is and isn't fine. I get the message loud and clear, but please stop coming to me with your problems like I should care. Because I don't. Where are you now, now that I'm having this slight breakdown?

I don't like myself right now. I haven't actually smiled or laughed at anything. I don't have fun and I don't feel like I can connect with anybody. There isn't anything fun about life anymore. I'm living this routine that I despise. I hated it when I had nothing to do. But now I hate it because I have too much to do. And I'm so resentful and jealous of other people right now. It's shameful to admit it, but I am. I'm so jealous by their ability to be so carefree still, and not have to worry about things like money. And the fact that they have friends that have time for them. But most of all, I'm jealous of my younger brother, as I have been my whole life.

I resent my brother, who has me to do stuff for him, instead of him having to go through a little more trouble like I used to because I didn't have someone to do that shit for me. I've pretty much paved this road of convenience and knowledge that I share with him. This weekend for example, marks the beginning of his spring break. But guess what? I have 3 tests this coming week and the only time I have to prepare and do hw for it is the weekend because I barely make it home by 8pm and leave for work at 730am. But I still took the time to pick him up after I got off work, and made the 2 hour drive back to our parents place for him because he decided he was too tired. UHM. What about me? I barely get 7 hours of sleep, got off work at 8, drove to his apt, picked him up, stopped off to get him food and I'm still the one that has to make the two hour drive. So of course by the time I get there, I'm exhausted. I help him bring in his stuff, shower and promptly fall asleep. And what happens the next day? My parents lecturing me about not going to sleep with my hair wet. I'm sorry I was so tired that I knocked out after I showered. Maybe next time I won't pick up your son and drive him all the way out here because I certainly had no business out here. I could've been in my apt studying and doing my hw. Instead I'm here, getting nothing done because I can't get anything done while I'm here. And guess what? I have to come back next weekend to pick him up. And I'm not getting any fucking gas money which is making a dent in my bank account/pay check. So yea, I'm fucking resentful of this shit. Before this car, if I wanted to go home to my parents' place, I would have to take the train. And we're only barely a year apart and I'm still the one that has to do a little more than he ever will. And I don't think that's fair. He doesn't have to take the train home because he doesn't want to, he knows that I'm pretty much obligated to chauffeur him around. And I know that I'm glossing over some details, such as stuff he does for me, but you know what? He could have done something like offer to drive instead of making me do it.

It sucks. I know I'm an adult because I have to be responsible and make responsible choices. I had to cancel out of a roadtrip with my friend because my boss wanted me to work a little longer. Normally I would have just gone. But I know that I need the money and the job. So I took it. But I'm too young to be choosing a job over my life. I'm going to lose what little friends I have left. And I don't want to end up like my current boss, constantly working and having no life.

And I don't even know about this grad school situation. I have to move back in with my parents temporarily, but if I don't get in, I fear that I will be stuck in another rut like this one and I can't even deal with this right now. Let's call this a mid life crisis. Because at the rate it's going, I have no intention of sticking around.

Apparently 2010 is where it's at. My only resolution is to be more patient with others and not pull away when I don't feel like making the effort to be nice. Freedom is learning to let go and I need to let go of my anger. I think I'm an angry person and it's probably holding me back. Oh and money too. Additional resolution, get a fucking job.

Just got my wisdom teeth. Right on time since I just graduate from undergrad and may not need wisdom for the next few days. haha lame joke.

Anyways, this may be weird to others, but when they were sticking stuff into me, I was debating whether or not to ask the nurse to take a picture with my cell phone. hahaha but I decided against it since she was already sterile and probably wouldn't appreciate it. Anyways, they probably had difficulty finding a vein on my right arm because it looks like I have track marks or something all over the inside of my elbow. I can't even look at the right now without kind of cringing. I'm soooooo hungry. I have never wanted bacon so badly in my life. Or steak. Or sushi or even just pizza. Oh well, finally started my netflix trial so I can watch Law and Order SVU without any interruptions. Hope tomorrow's menu is better! I asked for tomato soup, scrambled eggs, mac and cheese... and just about everything else I read about on the internet as being semi acceptable foods to ingest.

Wish me luck in healing and finding a job so I won't be that jobless bum of a college graduate!